the jolly green giant just puched the pope. halloween is the best.
i think she is mad at you for trying to take a shit in the back seat of her car
it's amazing how much more room there is in my purse when I'm not carrying alcohol in it
She's more than welcome to come too, so long as she has gotten over that me being responsible for the death of her cat thing.
I'll be spending 4/20 on a cruise ship, so i need a babysitter to make sure I don't reenact Titanic
Call me when you get up. This hang-over is like dismantling a bomb: I need someone to talk me through it.
Dude, fuck the siberian warm up. You can't put vodka in hot chocolate. Learn from my mistakes
making a list of all the places we've peed. separate list of places we peed when we were stoned
I dont think getting to 3rd base with a girl you barely know is the type of memory they had in mind when they named the park "memorial park"
He said bring my breathalyzer and Anna's pepper spray, I didn't ask questions
This is the I'm sorry text for running around yelling don't shit on my rainbow, end up in the fetal position crying at 4 am in my car because someone shit on my rainbow
Doug will be the one to get my vagina. I don't know when or how but I'm now declaring that it is his. And he better not disappoint.
Well, I got drunk and told my family about what I expected sexually after a good first date.
On a scale of 1-10 how inappropriate is it for me to ask if Walgreens offers teacher discounts when purchasing a Plan B pill?
I knocked over his glass and he yelled "Oh no the boxed wine!" and slurped it off the coffee table. Then he showed me how to mix maple syrup, Jameson, and coffee. My family is better than your family.
Randomize
