He googled the address of the bar, then sent me a text saying "6.3 miles. Too far. :( Apparently I am only worth a 5 mile radius.
A man in denim coveralls just shotgunned a beer on the dance floor
I mean...he was throwing up for almost 3 consecutive hours. I don't think there's a chance in hell that would have tasted even close to tolerable.
tonights mission is daddy issue patrol - we wear old spice and drink gin martinis and see who reacts.
I may have tried to encourage people to play a new game I invented last night. I called it Super Quarters. Like regular quarters, only using an AA medallion.
In two unrelated events today I have had frostbite on my toe and cum up my nose. Who says life stops when you get married?
Best sex of my life. But I think it's because I like his apartment. Really nice bed sheets. High vaulted ceilings. I wanted to lay there forever.
You're getting old. Was it located in a nice school district for your future offspring?
he only noticed i dyed my hair purple like halfway through sex and he looked really shocked and he just said "You look like Barney." as he came.
Sending out old nude selfies with the message "#tbt"
Sexiest use of a semi colon this week, congratulations.
Our Tuesday night drunk Irish step dancing was on point tonight.
Me and my liver are not on speaking terms.
Im showing up stoned and in sweatpants. Because that is where im at in life right now. Sorry not sorry.
Going on a first date tonight...pros: my boobs look amazing. Cons: my abortion isn't until next week.
Like I'll lick your nuts to make you feel better if you don't get it
Randomize
