Yeah, it was perfect until the end. Apparently women are super attracted to me until the sleeping with part.
the bulge in his pants is not junk. its hair. trust.
In retrospect - making it rain salt all over our kitchen was not one of my best ideas.
I can't wait for the 4th. I'll probably get drunk and end up puking all over whichever 18 year old I end up making out with.
Your a horrible friend, i only tried to do the right thing by moving you off the floor.. that was not an invitation to puke all over my bed and attempt to use my dog to mop it up.
I just look @ having a child spit on you as another form of birth control. I think my ovaries just tied themselves in a knot.
Let me be the 15% helpful, 85% useless as shit angel on your shoulder.
if i cared i wouldnt have woken you up by pouring a bottle of soy sauce on you.
is that what this stuff is?
You sprinted into the side of a parked car
There would be some who claim I got a little "carried away" or that we "probably don't need that many jello shots". They would be wrong.
Can we just talk about how the only thing I have on my camera from this weekend is a video of you putting your whole fist in your mouth hahahha
I watch one musical on Netflix, and the "Suggested for you" section is literally almost the entire gay movie category. I feel profiled, and netflixs' accuracy about my sexuality is both impressive and offensive.
Also I'd apologize for texting you flipping my shit about the science of hair growth while I was shrooming last night but we know each other better than that
Im sorry you'll never get the feeling of closeness when you go to pee outside and you realize you're peeing right where someone else just peed
Because of you I'm damaged goods. I'm a fucking soup can and you dropped me.
Randomize
