so, totally just picked up a pack of red bull, and some magnum condoms and the old woman at the register's tone went from "hi blah how are you" to "oh....how YOU DOIN'?" she knew what was up
Reason #1 for no sex outdoors: Mosquito bites. Awkward, awkward mosquito bites.
I wish there was a non slutty way to ask the guys across the hall if i can copy their men's bathroom key so I have one for my one night stands
If I die tonight. Just know that chicken I made fuckin ruled. Recipe: Chicken with a shitload oF spice
He kept coming back from the bar with hotter girls and just left with two...I feel like I just witnessed something amaZing. Like meeting Jesus and finding out he has no morals either
If I had to give her an idea on what it means to be ur date I would compare it to being Ralph macchio's gf in the first karate kid... That's one of the coolest things I've ever said... I love drugs.
Anything you tell me within three minutes of an orgasm isn't even being recorded in my head.
We were escorted through the guys dorm by 5 kids with nerf guns and zelda shields. I felt like the president with a fucked up secret service squad.
I'm a professor! I can't be caught chasing the liquor with you hooligans once the undergrads have seen my face
She dresses like Bruce Banner and fucks like the Hulk. She is all of my lesbian fantasies come true.
See if shell let you call her dr banner in bed
Tony's mom to him at breakfast: "I found the shirt you wore last night in the bushes this morning."
There is a goat eating lettuce out of our fridge. Do you wanna grab a bloody mary?
He grabbed my tits and sang "you are so beautiful" to them before faceplanting into my chest
Will u make me a "6 month anniversary of being single" cake??? I wanna celebrate
What can i say, my face is nice and my body is just unreal. And my beer pouring/stealing is incredible \n
Randomize
