I think he may have called me a bar rat, jokingly. I said i was but in a non-trashy way.
an off duty cop drove behind me last night to make sure i didnt get a dui. i was blacked out drunk and on a pill of ecstacy. he knew this. i must be really pretty.
Um I just overheard that the new guy spent a month in jail. Obvi another great hire.
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawnmower thinking of you
Standards? I'm sitting on his couch eating microwaved ramen wearing his wife's t-shirt. I don't remember what having standards even feels like.
I dont know if you relize this but ive been high ly medicated in my room for a whil now. GOing out into the real world would make me li ke tom ha nks. im not ready to be tom hanks..
Found a single cinnamon toast crunch between my butt cheeks. We did work last night
All that fucking tequilla made my head feel like it's inside of a body builder's asshole. He's doing squats.
you didn't want to pay for the shots so you negotiated with the bartenders. Apparently 1 shot is worth 5 seconds of motor-boating you.
its one thing to be single and another thing to be single and then have your profile picture be of you and the cat
your picture is with misty too!!
I AM SINGLE BY CHOICE
Hold on... Are we having an intellectual conversation about porn?
Yup
I love us.
I won't let penises inside me if you won't let tequila inside you, deal?
My vagina feels like a chupacabra ripped me apart using its mythological set of needle pointed teeth
she just kept pointing at the cows and calling them field penguins
If youre worried about being stabbed, you probably shouldnt be there.
Randomize
