You should see what I'm doing to your stuffed animals
maybe we can find two twins tonight and bang them together and then my life is complete
just ran into my gynecologist at the liquor store... i think she's found the source of my problems
I should have to wear a sign around the rest of the day so everyone knows the shame I feel.
You were fucking on a porch at a party, not much privacy should be expected
is it possible i asked you to give me a preliminary pap smear?
You were outside the bathroom the gay guy was puking in, screaming "IT GETS BETTER!" over and over again. Good message, poor execution.
She seriously pointed at the couch and asked me if she could "ride the talking giraffe". I'll never serve everclear again.
her wearing orange crocs at the bar was definitely a great form of contraception
Just realized I probably only have one more wedding where I can say I fucked the bride.
I'm running on two hours of sleep, a shot of vodka, and half of a granola bar. I can't be held responsible for what I do.
I think I need to see a chiropractor after giving that blow job
I don't know how Dave is alive, I feel like he's been drinking since I met him.
Next time we smoke please remind me to put my bong back in my build a bear box. My mom says if I leave it out one more time she's keeping it for herself.
Between falling off a shelf on to a concrete floor and sex with you - i may never walk again.
Randomize
