We discussed our relationship status. We're dating exclusively. And the conversation was followed by him saying "C'mon baby, let's make you orgasm!" .....I'm gonna marry him.
If we both stop thinking about your penis for just a moment, we'd realize it is important and good that you are spending quality time with your family
I think I'm drunk. That wine was old. I found it behind the water heater next to the mouse poison.
I can't feel my brain.
We just shotgunned beers for America
It was cool in an 'oh shit I'm gonna get arrested' way.
I paused mid sex to tell him I wished I'd taken up barrel racing so I could ride better.
I just realized that in 3 weeks it becomes sad if I make everything into a drinking game. Fuck growing up
If we tried baptizing you I feel the water would start boiling around you.
Let's say hypothetically if you were going to put icing on a penis and then lick it clean...what would you ice it with? Not a knife right?
His status said "sad." of course I liked it. I don't even care that I was the only one. Facebook isn't your god damn journal, we don't care about your problems.
She dumped me and then asked if I wanted to come to her improv show. Fuck theatre majors, man.
So there is a 50% chance that he just left my house and a 100% chance that I have to be up for work in 2 hours...
So I'm trying to figure out how to talk my boss into allowing pajama day once a week. Any ideas?
Idk, but the girl in his story had really nice eyebrows and was singing The Climb. How about you CLIMB the fuck away from my man
FORGET THE EYEBROWS
I just made deviled eggs for everyone not passed out. Im officially becoming a drunk chef.
Randomize
