YOU CAN MICROWAVE POPTARTS!?!??!
omg. he's a virgin strip club employee who's going to college on a ping pong scholarship. this is unreal.
I kept grabbing at Stephanie's boobs because I thought the leopard spots on her dress were popcorn.
All his texts have the signature of a date with a smile. I asked him what it means. IT'S THE DAY HE QUIT DOING DRUGS
The thing is you're all "holy crap this isn't nearly as bad as I thought pissing on my own face would be."
Do you think the Slutcracker will use the original score? I'll be so sad if they don't.
I kind of drew a blank when the doctor asked me how I got super glue up my nose.
Yeah he got kind of mad when he found out he had chased his last two shots with a combination of orange soda, water, and used mouth wash.
I woke up with a pinecone in my hair. A full pine cone.
I don't care if he was in that porno. He looked like he knew what he was doing.
My landlord showed my apartment to a prospective tenant today and I had my vibrator and gun both chilling on my nightstand
I vaguely remember seeing that couple making out in front of that store and i yelled "I ALSO LOVE THE ROCKY MOUNTAIN SOAP COMPANY!"
I'm dedicating this beer to drunk texting
I'm eating cereal out of a cocktail shaker. That kind of blizzard.
Is it wrong for me to wish my cat had arms to get me a beer?
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