how does Santa get into Hogwarts?
I have way too much money in my bra to be responsible.
Well, find something you can use as a snorkel and be aware of your surroundings.
To the person who left a cup of vomit in the bathroom: I commend you for your aim but you are dead to me- not an ideal birthday present.
Straight up if I get stuck with her I'm going to drink myself into a prison cell.
I can't believe I've come to a point in my life where sex for a birthday present is acceptable
Your whole purpose in life is to just float around and satisfy lonely women and also join lesbian couples in threesomes.
Do you have any pics of the gummy penis incident?
Just wanted to say a big ole FUCK YOU for coming out to mom the day before I have to drive with her for 6 hours. Ass hat.
We got way too high so we're sitting in the parking lot of the movies trying to figure out what bar to go to
Nothing like drunkenly buying a pregnancy test at 8 am to get out and realize your nip was out the whole time.
So... remember when you threw an orange in the closet when we were 16 to make wine? Just found it. Not wine.
I had the choice between 9 burritos and 1 girl...
And...?
the weird part wasn't waking up in someone else's underwear, it was how the cat was staring at me like he knew more about last night then i remembered.
Ahhh, beer. My second favorite breakfast drink.
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