if you are receiving this text, you are one of the people i hate
guy in the car over is getting some terrible road head. he just gave me a thumbs down when he noticed i was watching.
ask me if i forgot to go to a midterm today
Bagel with cream cheese. It's blowing my fucking mind.
How high are you right now..
I MICROWAVED IT. SIGNIFICANT IMPROVEMENT.
He asked me why my bellybutton was so ugly... and wondered why i wasnt in the mood anymore.
we've been doin it since '07. it's like married sex now, were both comfortable so neither of us really tries anymore, we just do it because it's convenient
Softest bathroom rug I've slept on in my life, there have been many
I've thrown up twice at work. Just casually, in the mop sink. Then continued to make someone a milkshake. Want some ice cream?
I just looked at a girl and was like what disease does she have? And then my mind caught up ohhh shes pregnant.
He was just lying on the living room floor watching Star Wars with six empty pack of cigarettes and two empty cases of beer.
In his defence I guess I did take the bed, couch and dining room set in the breakup.
I was looking threw the photos on my phone. There is 8 different ones of us peeing on things.
Dude. My knees have no hair on them and they're bruised. My thigh is killing me. I have about 1000 texts to about 5 exes which I horribly regret. I have pictures of my own penis on my phone. I can't find my iPad. And I have work in an hour.
Just so were clear your wife is cut off from my dick.
It’s like I’m living in some alternate wet dream universe right now
We should form a club for all of us that have stabbed a sibling with a fork!
Randomize
