Seriously? Do you have me saved in your phone as 'check every 3 months to see if she's single yet'?
We just described beer as "big boy apple juice" to his 2 year old.
I have to brush my teeth today to feel like I did something.
the boy next to me on the plane handed me a shot glass, then a perkaset, and told me to have a good week off..hellllo spring break.
I cant believe Lindsay Lohan feels like this every day
Just woke up to find myself cooking eggs on the imaginary stove in my room.
You kept yelling "wood grain wheel" and grinding on fat chicks.
The hell is wrong with me
library dates and plan B? He is looking like a great catch.
I'm watching Pretty Woman alone and weaving a basket for Fiona. This is my life.
She is dumping me if she doesn't get a ring by Valentines. So one more month of free sex and it will be back to the right hand.
I want to have sex with Will Smith. I guess I have a thing with 90s sitcom stars. Stamos, Joey Lawrence, John Goodman.
He used his penis as a drumstick on my back and had me guess what song he was playing.
My liver is screaming fuck you right now.
I feel awkward having to tell people “sorry you can’t finger me because I will get a UTI and I don’t have health insurance”
Neighbor is sitting on his porch looking like he made some terrible life decisions and I just want to be like "I drank half of a handle of peach vodka in a shed last night. I understand" but I think they're swingers so his night probs sucked more.
Randomize
