What tipped you off? The sombrero?
Those former-lesbian gone white-trash bars always seem to be your favorite.
I just went to a subway where the girl didn't know how to make a blt. I will not miss public school texans.
My mom walked down and caught me drinking by myself, watching the nanny at 3:30AM. I had no idea what to say
The google font looked peculiar last night, but then up close I realized it was just dry vomit.
we need to start a braincell conservation fund for you, sort of like save the whales or something.
There's cake. And donuts. And strippers. It's like 5 year old me and 20 year old me are throwing a party together...
Used my jumper cables as a bottle opener last night. Really pleased with my problem solving skills.
You can't just call animal control when you're drunk because there is a bug in the shower.
Omg, you would have loved the guy I almost hit with my car tonight
How exactly does one go about seducing an older, possibly blind gentleman?
I declared today 'Have a Bloody Mary Naked Day'. Why? Because I'm hungover, thirsty & don't want to bother putting on clothes.
It was going very smoothly until she noticed my boner of hope.
I told my dad that he was in a band and he was all like " good job" and then he looked up the band and listened to their music and just went " oh have you disappointed me"
Come get your boyfriend. He is hammered talking to me about hot dogs and casinos.
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