you dont have to exercise, you threw up last night!
He sat on a barstool and did the robot for 3 hours - I'm pretty sure he enjoyed himself.
i checked my sent messages this morning and i had apparently tried to text the bar, saying "idk what i drank, do you?"
No I'm not coming over. That Bob Ross drinking game is too intense.
Got a personal ride from safe ride. I was crying so hard. The driver said think of something happy and I said Disney. In which I sang him Aladdin. So I got home ok
while you laid on the ground I poured water into your mouth out of dog bowl some random guy walks by and said now that's what I like to see.
I want to be ashamed of the things we do this weekend
Can we go to Home Depot next week? Drunk Kim broke my toilet with a hammer.
Are you responsible for the syringes and miniature cactus garden that has magically taken over my fridge?
Make the kitchen floor stop waving. Im trying to lay on it
"I'm looking more at his dick bulge." Never thought I'd hear those words come out of my boyfriend's mouth.
You were upset that she was flirting with your boyfriend so I thought the best game plan was to show her my boobs and get her to make out with me instead. I am the greatest friend on absinthe.
I can get there in 20, one question, Drress Code? Stripper Lite (make up may require an additional 5-10 minutes), Suggestive Professor (professor Kamil's cleavage ain't got nothing on me), Daywear, Dyke (and trust me you ain't seen dyke), or Exactly What I'm Wearing Right Now. (all of the above may arrive under a coat and are subject to my level of sobriety. Which is currently like nonexistent).--xoxo you know you love me, Gossip Girl.
Nothing like coming home and finding the nearly full bottle of fireball you forgot you had stashed before your trip
It's the little things
I just had to explain to my grandma what a reach-around is. Too far..
Randomize
