So right when I was pulling her underwear off with my teeth, she told me, "Stick your penis in my 'nanners." Needless to say, there was no penis-'nanner interaction.
my feelings for you are synonymous with those of a grizzly bear and salmon. i don't want to nom on you; but i need you to survive
Just had to return the shit I stole from the dining hall, with everyone watching...apparently there ARE consequences for being drunk, coked up and belligerent.
AND OMG I HOPE YOU ARE GREAT WITH CHILD. COOK THAT BUN!
151 hangover. Need apocalypse.
Is it inappropriate to send a happy 3-year anniversary of having a threesome with you and your ex girlfriend on easter text?
Just let me take your liver out and beat it with a meat tenderizer for you..
i just found a red feather stuck to my penis and i really wanted to send you a picture but too much
Apparently my thong was thrown in the cornfield last night. No one will tell me why.
Why do all the Father's Day cards talk about what a great dad they are? Why can't there be one that says something like "Thanks for sticking it to mom and making me possible, your sperm was appreciated."
Well, he didn't buy me a birthday present but he sure did give me chlamydia so there's that.
I'm eating pizza in the bathtub
The reason why I poison my organs is so that you guys can't sell them.
I'm going to come in the middle of the night and attack you with spoons
You smoked too much and passed out, didn't you?
You know me so well.
Randomize
