My mom found a condom in my purse
Correction: my mom found a used condom in my purse.
The crazy thing is, I dont actually know where the cat is, she said something bout the back of the toilet and a sock.
i just lost my virginity over my 3 hour lunch break..
u hav a 3 hour lunch break?!
i like how the length of my lunch break is the thing that phases u
picked up a girl by parallel parking. i love this town already.
Just saw a dude in a banana costume get beat down by a one shoed black dude wearing a kilt...paninis is such a shit show after 10 on a Saturday
You got her pregnant one week before your vasectomy? You couldn't wait one week to cheat on me?
We got to the second bar and all he kept saying was "I'm on an alcohol safari!" Best 21st birthday ever.
did you know gatorade and rum go really good together
Are you doing depressed science again
maybe
He gave me the choice between a threeway with his best friend or a tiny turtle. Unfortunately I chose the threeway.
He must've been a bear in a previous life. My nipple is bleeding. Shit's sensitive.
He made a deal with his real estate agent called fucking in 50 properties for sale
Etiquette question... How do you tell your mother that her nipple is out in her fb profile picture?
Sorry about peeing on your phone last night
We saw the mini basketball hoop and unicycle and just knew we had to create a new sport
Drunk minds think alike
i cant go to his party cause last time i pressed the red buttons on the wall and the fire alarm went off for 40 minutes, i'm not allowed back there
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