when I forget a girls name in bed I ask her her middle name then tell her i'm gonna call her that from now on
i say over christmas we have a beer pong competition with the cousins and see who really has the best genes in the family.
Someday soon you'll wake up next to a bottle of jameson and a half eaten lean cuisine and then you'll be just like me.
It's been a long time since I felt this bad on a Monday... and for that, I thank you.
Just orgasmed in canada. I should get a sticker or something that says I orgasmed in a different country.
Dude I really need to stop drinking. I chugged a whole bottle of ketchup last night.
He's basically me if I was an 8-yr-old boy. It's like looking into a pudgy terrifying mirror
From now on, you must never doubt my ability to go from drunken rambling lovesick girl to Stepford wife within the course of a few hours.
Btw. Being a stripper for a week without anyone knowing to pay off my school loan is no longer in my agenda.
for real. if he messaged me that i'd have made his penis cower in a corner.
My mom just offered to be my designated driver tonight. I love being an adult.
I think I'm getting sponsored by the Mexican Drug Cartel for the start of my poker career. It was an interesting night at the bar. One word, Vegas.
That's pretty intense. There aren't many people I would pick over a burrito
Pants are for mortals
My vagina is very pro this idea
Randomize
