Ugh now I'll have to carry around an overnight bag to all the bars I visit tonight. but hey! maybe I'll meet a dude! And need it!
I just wanna be some guy's midlife crisis
Woman walking into toby keith concert: 8 months pregnant, black eye, shirt on that has a picture of a boot and the words "we'll put a boot up your ass" with an american flag printed over--the sleeves were ripped off and she had a camo cowboy hat. Greatest thing I've ever seen.
just spent all of my last class as a college student, vomiting in the bathroom. its moments like these i will cherish
Well, let's be honest here. You're dealing with gay guys... EVERYTHING has an emotional attachment.
My nephew just told me I smell like apathy and regret. Thats the hangover I'm dealing with
he ate me out on his front porch at dawn. i orgasmed when the sun began to rise. most romantic morning booty call ever.
You were in your third change of clothes, and I found you in my driveway passed out with my dog's food bowl. You win.
ummm im also counting the $14 dollars I gave the old guy to pay for the cab I called for him to take to the hospital last night as part of ur present.
"I'm in the bathroom. Only place I can sit and relax without that girl trying to give me a lap dance."
Well I was going to go home but vodka happened.
Just had to kick my 26 yr old boyfriend out of my bed before getting the kids up for school. Have I mentioned being 41 doesn't suck as much as all the hype.
I like it here so far, only people are a lot less accepting of my terrible decisions and it's cramping my style
He got punched in the face last night? By who? I’ll invite him to our formal. Seriously.
Look I'm really hungover so let's try this again. In 5 mins you're gonna call me and tell me that you're on your way with xannies, iced coffee and a back rub
Randomize
