Come to the Burger King. We're waiting for you.
My favorite part of our friendship is your tits.
I just watched a woman break three wood planks with her boobs. I don't know how I feel about that
Remeber when I drunkenly made out with him this summer while he was getting bitched at by his girlfriend on the phone? Yeah, neither do I. But I'm pretty sure that same thing happened again last night.
Fell asleep on the Grass at Lolla woke up in the Brown line. What. The. Fuck.
I'm not sure any amount of coworker judgement will keep me from eating oatmeal with dinosaur eggs.
I left the guinea pigs on the dryer. Make sure to take care of them.
I'm covered in European cum. How's your day going?
YOUR DICK HAS BEEN IN ME I DO NOT WANT TO BE SET UP TO MEET YOUR FRIENDS
I would sacrifice a finger for two more hours of sleep.
I'm pretty sure the girl in the stall next to me is waiting on me to leave so she can poop but I'm doing the same thing so it's like a Mexican standoff
Waking up in a NH rest stop and reading through my texts is definitely a familiar low
Actually going to jail after your wedding is NOT part of the plan.
Do you knowhow much it sucks to puke in an automatic toilet? Not fun.
Ew.
It takes talent let's just say that
The viagra-rita was a sexual success and a furniture failure. He said it was the best cowgirl sex he’s ever had even with the broken couch
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