Just had to reach into my sister's bag and shut off her vibrator so my parents wouldn't hear it. I am the world's greatest brother.
had no condoms so I just made do with an empty doritos bag.
I just deleted all the drug dealers from my phone, I guess this is growing up
I DON'T CARE WHAT THE CIRCUMSTANCES ARE NEVER VOMIT IN MY PURSE AGAIN.
If you're trying to piece together your night, I can tell you where those tassels came from.
I couldn't function. I was to the point where I was using a bottle cap as a monocle.
While I faked being asleep, he literally prayed to God out loud, asking for forgiveness for losing his virginity before marriage.
I was living a snoop dogg song I fucked her on the floor so I wouldn't mess up my bed
Does your body have a liquid mass index? does that make sense? I think I drank it in Long islands.. Kill me now..
Also, we found a geriatric Snoop Lion.
I feel like I just did it with Buster from Arrested Development. Taking a shower. #winefail
Had to walk of shame past Westminster Abbey this morning. Pretty sure a Japanese tourist took a photo of me.
He said we had an hour long conversation about how awesome I was.
long story short, he tried to fuck me standing up, toppled over, and now I have four stitches next to my eye
Just showered and cleaned every bit of sex off of me cuz i have a feelin my stepmom has jesus powers and would be able to smell it on me
Randomize
