So I just walked in on one of our neighbors having sex...on our couch.
WHAT?!
He apologized for staining our couch, then asked if he could make me a drink. Pretty sure he was still inside her while we were talking.
Yeah, we realized keeping you in a cage wasn't beneficial to us
My poor mother should have just stuffed me back up her vagina when she had the chance.
both roomates are passed out on the floor. I feel like I'm missing out on crucial bonding time by sleeping in my bed.
She's gonna be fat in the future. On a side note I had a "It's not you, it's me." conversation with a bottle of jack last night.
Something about a hand job in a car doesn't scream girlfriend
Having drunken flash backs of me giving you a piggy back ride. I was like Jesus, and you were my cross. I fell so many times for you. This is true friendship.
we are sitting in a kindergarden classroom alone chugging beer. look at our lives. look at our choices.
You should hear the lecture my mom just gave me about cooking pizzas when im drunk because "I could have died".
If you really loved me, you'd support my weed habit.
As the person who squeezed you out of my vagina, the answer is no.
Shout out to this stomach virus for helping me prepare for whatever slutty Halloween costume I decide to wear.
The highlight of the trip was definitely my dad telling me that I "used to be his prettiest daughter."
last night i fell off a barstool and busted my nose. i can regretfully say that i didn't see cherub last night.
You sending me our unborn, unfertilized babies' names is not what I envisioned when you said you'd "drunk text me later".
You know you're out of shape when you're sore after masturbating.
Randomize
