I'm so tired of dating women who lie about their age. You show up feeling like you need to follow them around with a dust pan and a broom.
I drunkenly sent a picture of my scrotum to the entire baseball team last night
I just got asked if I have a rule for sleeping with people. Like they have to buy me dinner first etc...
On that note, do I have a rule?
its really sad that i have to specifically make this a rule but, absolutely no lighting smoke bombs indoors at my birthday party.
Well on a positive note, crystal light now comes in margarita flavor
Hey to make you feel better about last night, I just shit my pants.
He's laying next to me passed out dressed as a hooters girl
I bet he's a super pretty hooters girl
My life is sponsored by tidy cat kitty litter, Bacardi rum, and plan b.
Plus it's a good way to scope out guys. Have them fight for you, like real males do in nature.
I really thought I'd be the only alcoholic drinking alone in my car at noon in the Lowe's parking lot. Passed out dude in the car next to me begs to differ.
I need a costume
Dude just wear a bra or something hahaha
I told her I was dressed as a gag reflex judge.....she won, literally hands down.
Got stiff armed by the garbage man on the back of the truck...I just wanted to ride one block dude
The only word that describes how much hair I shaved off of my ass is "considerable".
just the thought of you slurpin down noodles really rustles my jimmy
you suck at sexting
Randomize
