Dude, I just went to take a piss and looked at my ballsack... Underneath was labled "L" and "R"
I think I just puked all over my comforter and my roomdmate won't wakt up to washc it for me
When black out puking doesn't involve crying and promises to never get drunk again... to just a subtle, 'excuse me while I go vomit in the bathroom of this bar'.. you know you've finally grown up.
It wasn't until that morning that I realized I wasn't actually dreaming, finding myself in the bathtub with someone laying on me
He stole her cigarettes and walked 15 miles just so he wouldn't have to wake up next to her. God I love being a lesbian.
I have got to stop getting laid on my lunch breaks. I AM SO HUNGRY RIGHT NOW.
He completely dissapeared at the baseball game. We found him passed out at the hotel three hours later with souviner photos of himself at the top of the Sears Tower.
The security guard popped his head over the mens room door and goes "nice tits- now get out." Deer in headlights moment right there.
I let a drunk, gay man in a dragon costume motor-boat me. With his dragon head.
We're both great liars, in committed relationships, and horny. Its the perfect storm of cheating
Question: what's the protocol for seeing your mistress walking alongside her clueless boyfriend? If you could answer this ten minutes ago, that'd be great.
It's pizza for people who hate themselves. I rang the place up once i'd finished and told them if i was on death row it would be my last meal because by the time i'd got half way through it I would be begging to die.
But then I ordered two more because it was 2-4-1 and my life is a mess
That broad from the bar put her name in my phone as "The girl I'm going to marry in 10 years".
Omg my butt feels so much better. Those suppositories are magic. It feels like Jesus fingered me in my sleep.
This ice cream is 10x better than the sex I had yesterday
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