I just ran into the couch, vagina first.
I hope you got dinner out of it
She went off on a twilight/new moon tangent before we even got back to my room. i had to jump the ship and pretended to pass out on the sidewalk.
He is passed out on the kitchen floor. He will fight you if you disturb him. Just a warning.
And you just kept trying to fit through the dog door and not drop Jello shots.
The swelling on my elbow and tongue means I may have cockblocked myself.
Currently getting "blaow" buzzed into my pubes. How's your thursday?
IT'S LINGERIE PURCHASED FROM A FLEA MARKET, THE ONLY THING IT'S GOING TO BE POSITIVE FOR IS A TEST FOR HIV
Im not coming back to that place until im drunk. If I walk in there sober Ill start screaming uncontrollably. Not words, just sounds.
I like to get drunk just like anyone else but not to the point of sticking a rubber tube up my asshole
I swear she lies about being allergic to gluten so she'll get all the jack and not have to drink shitty beer like the rest of us
So I was putting on a condom and looked to my right to not make eye contact, she said did you just look at the American flag while putting that on. I said this one's for Team USA.
I woke up in my neighbors backyard with glitter on my teeth and sparklers super glued on my bra. which part was your fault?
He kept saying "Welcome to Indianapolis" over and over while we were having sex...because that's his hometown. I was scared and confused... I didn't know if I should have said thank you or what.
If history is any guide, his morals are no match for my tits
If he’s halfway attractive, employed and cool with me having boytoys, I’ll marry him
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