We got drunk before dinner. People at the other tables were praying for us.
While he was going down his phone rang and he answered saying I'll call you later I'm eating.
I think it's our patriotic duty to get high and watch the state of the union tonight
im hiding in a corner. drunk. with a plate of stolen jello shots. im pretty sure people are looking for me or the jello shots.
My uncrustable is thawing in my straightener
How long after mardi gras is it considered okay to wake up topless and wearing beads?
I'm in Starbucks carrying the boxes wine and the hubcap. So many judging looks.
Okay so for future reference and your own safety I should probably tell you that it is not cranberry juice in that bottle on the kitchen table.
On a scale from 1 to the worst weekend of my life, that was an 11. I can see again, though.
It's like everything I need in life within a five block radius: booze, toilets, dogs, dicks.
Quick question—how good are you at digging holes? I mean, besides the one you've dug for yourself. asking for a friend
I was the only one in group sessions to bring up sex as a stress reliever. Some of those people were awfully judgy despite the fact we were all in a psych ward.
Tomorrow I'm going to tape my thumbs to my palms and my biceps to my abdomen to learn what it's like to be a t-rex for a day. Anyone else in?
Just flash them and yell "JUDGE THESE BITCHES"
And then he peed in my hair
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