i gained so much weight this year, i put on my string bikini underwear and couldnt see the string anymore! i hate my life.
No. untill you have done a puke that contains nothing but semen and tequila, you do not 'feel my pain'
Hey, I can't get ahold of Tommy. Let him know his ex-girlfriend is pregnant.
at wine tasting. Can i cleanse my Palate with a frito?
I need to shower, but I have no shower curtain... I think I can get by with a whore bath and a hat for one more day.
I'm not about to serve this country to fuckin not have rum and cheezits for breakfast
I wish you could take over my body and feel what my nipple feels like right now
just passed the gas station where we took pregnancy tests. memories.
The moment buddy the elf found out he was human is exactly like the moment I realized I was gay
What kind of paramedic is he, some dude is dying back there and he's trying to get laid
Oh, I also stabbed a guy Friday and he still asked me out
I better get weekly incoherent text messages or I will assume something is wrong.
You yelled at me about a fork.
You probably deserved it, I'm very territorial about my cutlery.
I'm sorry, but the bed has won this battle. I got up, changed my shirt, combed my hair, put on some deodorant, and then looked at my bed and got back in
So if i am talking to a guy and he sends me a pic and he is wearing Spiderman button down dress shirt.... Is it ok if i dont want to talk to him anymore?
Randomize
