Sometimes I think my vagina thinks its a penis.
i just heard a guy call his kid "Google" in a way that leads me to believe that's his name. this day couldn't get worse.
Apparently faking a threesome isn't as much fun as you'd think
Last night I dipped into my beer fund to pay for groceries. SINCE WHEN ARE MY PRIORITIES SO WHACK???
You know, be my cock's hype man.
The only thing in that hotel room that we didn't fuck on was the roof
I'm not sure which is more depressing, the fact that the hospital is making me put together a living will before surgery, or that all i'll be leaving behind is 25k in student loan debt
We need to play Chardee MacDennis. Contact me when you have an available date. This is not a question.
just woke up under a car ? That's odd
Holy fucking shit
WAIT BUT IM WEARING A BACKPACK THAT MAGICALLY HAS 30 BEERS IN IT
I think someone cast a spell on the lazy stoner rich boy stereotype and it came to life and called me.
"I'm pretty sure all our toasts were to Ben Afflecks penis last night."
Too bad Amazon Prime wouldn't get the wine bra flask to you in time. Concealed alcohol and huge tits? Win-win.
I told her we had to stay at the bar until at least midnight because that's when my direct deposit hit, don't tell me i'm not responsible
He was walking around and kept offering the neighbors flamingo lawn ornaments shots of vodka.
i smell like vinegar and tequila i can feel the old people behind me judging
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