he kept looking at my chin until i asked why, then he just said he was making sure his balls didnt leave a mark.
oh, and bring over your fire extinguisher. we're gonna get the mailman again
We didn't need to cut her off. I'm pretty sure the lit candle she almost drank would have done it for us
whiskey dick. though we did manage to break my closet door and flood the bathroom.
Listen man this isn't about soccer. It's about America and day drinking... Your two favorite things now get your ass over here
We haven't said piping hot jizz in awhile... that needs to come back into our conversations
Would fucking the college coach be against recruiting rules?
I apparantly wanted to name her baby garbage
Jerry got outside again, i found him making dirt angels in the garden. I need to put a bell on that bastard.
My dad just told me I can't passout in the driveway after the 4th of July parade this year, again
The guy whose porn password I use finally renewed his membership. Lazy fucker had been slacking all summer.
I met a guy last night who bought me a book on Amazon at the bar and then we had sex. Boners for books is a thing. Boom.
Drunk me just want to text sober me for saving that half rack of ribs I loves you
I'm drunkenly throwing popcorn at a spider, fuck him. Why does his scary 8 legs get to be happy?
Everyone has seen your nipples. It's like asking if they ever walked on grass. You need better hangover questions.
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