Heyy I kind of wanted to apologize and excuse myself for last night. I feel like that was a little much. I just met you. That's why I don't like tequila. Haha
she was bad bro. like...id rather put my dick in a blender. twice.
Thanks for not waking me up before the firefighters chopped down my door
I FEEL LIKE I CAN TAKE DOWN A FULLY GROWN MOUNTAIN LION WITH ONLY A POINTY STICK OH MY GOD
I attempted to stand up and was quickly reminded by gravity that I am the universe's bitch right now
Dude, on the way home the cab driver asked why you didn't bring a guy home and referred to you as "one night stand girl"
So we came to a decision, you need to fuck your hot roommate and send us pictures. We voted, so don't hate the democracy this great country stands for
I feel like at this point in my life I should be dating someone who doesn't run out of all his money on Mondays and have to wait til fridy to buy his weed
So i had a feeling this dude with one leg in a wheelchair was following me around Walmart turns out I was right. He just asked for a picture of my feet.
i mean i let him but still...
Sheila knows I only go down on her on Bastille Day. Valentine's Day we get high and watch The Neverending Story. THE SYSTEM WORKS.
In an unrelated matter, im gonna eat you out so much later.
I have his gate key so know he has to see me again.
I tried to order dominos and couldn't but I accidentally placed an order for this morning. I knew I did it last night and was gonna call and cancel this morning but honestly it's coming in 30 minutes and I need it
i woke up in just my thong, face first on my bed with all the lights on. how hungover do you think i felt?
I’m traumatised. Bring vodka and condoms.
Randomize
