I totally just used John Mayer's lyrics to get laid.
she's basically destroyed all of the faith i had that skinny blond girls could be a functioning part of society.
I had just got her shirt off when I realized that I was about to fuck Chewbacca from Star Wars. The way she moaned confirmed that I was.
new years resolution: more sex, less car punching, more chipotle.
I mean we're not committed. He's my first choice, sort of like miller lite. When I'm at the bar I'm going to order one, but if they don't maybe I'll go for a bud or blue moon. I'm certainly not going to stop drinking
im covered in puffy paint and glitter i cant find kevin and im wearing shoes that dont belong to me....come get me please
Through drunken recall, I have managed to bring back awful memories of losing my virginity. And possibly traumatized my niece trying to get her to "learn from my mistakes".
That girl that gave me a blowjob, I think I fired her last year.
I'm sorry and I love you. One day we're going to live in a whore mansion with our babies and make boys cry.
In other news, someone I've had sex with won jeopardy last night.
These freshman guys were trying to holler at me from their window, and I realized about 20 minutes too late that the best possible reaction at that time would've been screaming "FLACCID PENIS". Oh, and I found this awesome zombie charm bracelet you would love.
you walked around drinking beer out of a plunger and telling people it was a goblet...
I do have a history of lying to Customs. I once convinced them I was an astronaut.
so i might have slept on your bathroom floor last night...
He made me cum 3 times, then immediately after sex packed a bowl and passed it to me. Yeah.. I'll keep him.
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