dude, i think i am in a porno. I was working out at the hotel gym and some chick was doing yoga and a guy comes up and says "good, now i know your flexible" then they started making out. WTF?
The woman in front of me has a completely clear purse. I can see everything. It's ballsy because her vagisil is on display.
Even after projectile vomiting watermelon on the beach, it still sounds appetizing.
Worst night here by far. And ive slipped in my own piss so thats saying something
Well, there are worse ways to make $50 at a gay club.
ill be fine wheb you get back. I'm gunna do real world things like washing the dishes. having to perform serious tasks brings you down.
i just remembered that i did the "single ladies" dance ON THE BAR...fuck you slippery nipples i curse the day i discovered you
Call me old fashioned but i like to drunk dial a girl 2 or 3 times before sending a dick pic
I mean you can't really blame him. He's named after whiskey and I don't get along with pants.
I don't mean to complain but you could have done a better job of keeping me alive last night
im actually so stoned and hungover i feel like a bag of jello stuffed into a human shape
quickly learned not to sleep with your roommate and work colleague in the same week
Can now check off "Start bar fight with my dad." on my bucket list.
So...a chick sucked my crank...now her dog is licking my feet. I feel like a pharoh on vacation.
I’m inviting a few of my favorite manwhores to a pool party. Bring booze and wear your banana hammock so Amy can see what I’m always talking about
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