those girls across the street saw me hanging my towel off of my penis...they're coming over later
I texted her sayin "I gotta brush my teethn then Im omw" maybe hint to do the same
If I can't get a one-legged man to love me, what the hell chance do I have with a NORMAL guy???
Boxed wine mondays was one of our finer ideas
By the way, thank you for feeding me fries when I was sitting on the floor.
I think I found out what we're going be for Halloween....Alcohol poisoning victims.
I offered to buy ihop waffles for all the homeless people outside the metro. It was time to go to bed.
You fucked her?! HER?!
She sent me a nudie pic with a bunch of weed nuggets all over her tits...what was I supposed to do? I don't hate America sir.
It was awful. Mid hookup he started reading the titles of the books over my bed, which were about Russian imperial history. He then started asking me questions about the class I was reading the books for. I was like "WE HAVE TIME FOR THAT LATER, PLEASE CONTINUE."
Shit ive learned: when going out to a party, always wear a bathing suit underneath just in case theres a pool with a roof next to it
It's okay I missed my booty call by two whole minutes so I decided to delete him from my phone and then re-add him as "I am a douchelord"
Also, I found your gauge.
I found it under my pillow like a gift from the Sex Fairy.
I don't know when he had the time to do it but he dug a hole in our basement like the shawshank redemption
Right. He was like "I'll be here all night if I have to..." I was like "Well then, I'll have to call the cops..."
I never thought I'd be complaining about having sex 4 times a day, but here we are...
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