is there anything more depressing than unpacking condoms from your suitcase that you thought you were going to use on vacation?
it was like a zeppelin in a condom
It was awkward being the only one at the wedding who knows that the bride and groom met when she gave him a lap dance at a strip club
I think not having bongs in close range is good for my academia
I should put together a new mom basket for her. It would have diapers, vodka, ambien, and tissues for when she cries about her wasted youth.
The cop told us he we helped him pass his monthly bong quota. He almost ran out of room on the hood of his car..
I told a 250 pound football player I would catch him if he jumped into my arms. And that is how I broke my wrist
He'll only communicate through snapchat with pictures of him holding his cat or his dick. Bit of Russian roulette opening them in public but I did it anyway.
I had to rename my dildo. I met a little kid who named his teddy bear the same name. It just felt wrong.
do you ever look at a card in your wallet and reminisce about all of the drugs youve done with it?
I mean I could but due to my age and being a mother and all I feel it's poor judgment to give fellatio in a public establishment.
She paid me 300 bucks to spank her and call her Baby Jane. Then we drank half a bottle of sippin whiskey. I'd call it a twelve out of ten.
I should stop using "Braveheart would do it" as a basis for decision making...
How did you interpret 'wheat thins' from 'vaginal trauma'?
Public service announcement: Just bc it is Margarita Monday does NOT mean your stomach will readily accept that much alcohol. There IS a reason it isn't called Magical Monday. On that note, better luck on Tequila Tuesday.
Randomize
