I created a new tequila drink. it is a mix of excitement and fear instilled in innocent people.
Do you realize we just stole 12 dollars worth of quarters each from the office petty cash just to get manicures? New high or New Low?
That taco smell coming from your belly button was a huge turnoff
We had sex and then he fed me pie. This is the best friends-with-benefits situation ever.
I held a cracker & gaterade down for an hour. I feel like this will be my greatest accomplishment of the day.
Tomorrow's thirsty thursday is now sponsored by the three time champion, chemisty failure. celebration starts asap.
it looks like my getting laid tonight is going to depend on my knowledge of native birds. this is a weird party
we're decorating our christmas cookies with birth control. so pretty.
He wanted me to blow him while he did curls and looked at himself in the mirror. Not sure if gay or ego maniac.
I sobered up and saw I was with the fat one and you had left laughing with the hot one. You're a terrible wingman, but an excellent manipulator
Sabotage it. Cum quick. Make it awkward so you don't hurt her feelings. Who says nice guys finish last?
I will feed you tacos. I will touch your butt. Happy Valentine's Day ❤️
I got St Patrick's Day drunk on Friday and apparently ordered a Total Gym in the middle of the night
i woke up wearing a life jacket, holding on to a footlong hotdog, and had on a mr. hustle 1995 shirt on
good night
It wasn't my fault.
You let her suck your neck. Yes it was your fault.
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