what is it about summer that misdirects my moral compass so much?
I told you I would drunk text you sometime........its that time.
he said my vag tasted like ravioli n pennies... i forgot I was on my period
The cop only confirmed I'm .22% Irish. Then I threw up on him.
that's not even the weird part though. he already knew where the bathroom was, he might have been here before..
Remember that foreign guy who never talked last night? He just came out of my bathroom when I woke up.
he fell asleep like an hour after we got to the beach, he deserved that penis shaped sunburn.
I was like a migrating bird last night. Navigating on pure instinct. Don't remember how... but I made it home.
Just got my stitches out.. Now I can give a proper hand job
He put chocks of wood in front of his doors to stop me from leaving. I'm not nearly drunk enough for that to be appropriate behaviour.
Just realized I'm still chewing the same gum post blow job. This Stride shit really has everlasting flavor. They should totally have an ad campaign based on blow jobs.
Lots of tissues. Maybe pizza. Only time will tell. The stages of political grief.
I think I was high. I asked a dude at chillis if they had a cereal buffet
Oh man I missed being single! Two different guys just sent me dick pics during my kid’s little league game.
Lmao. K I'll be 100% honest. I was over at your place like 12 hours ago with your roommate. If I hadn't of been there then I'd take you up on your booty call offer. So. If you're not creeped out another time please?
Randomize
