I don't wanna do a drive in or see a movie tonight. I wanna play some Golden Tee and butt fuck a girl in the bathroom of some bar and proceed with Golden Tee
a man that wears gold spandex underwear and party boys other people is a man after my own heart.
i just watched a video of two girls fucking with a banana and i thought of you.
i hate you
i just woke up naked on my porch, holding the neighbors cat in my arms.
I hate thxgiving break now because that totally means I'm not able to have sex for a week.
Oh I forgot to tell you one of the little boys in my preschool class was wearing a Hooters tank top today.
Mowing drunk should be an olympic sport...
Acid flashbacks - fact or fiction? Have been seeing a surprising amount of sparkly shit this afternoon...
Nothing quite like coming out of an alcohol induced blackout walking down Spruill Avenue carrying a silver briefcase full of IT tools you don't know where they came from. This is my life.
The blackout version of me left a ransom note to the sober self. Somebody needs to control that guy
BECKY! ITS ANDY FROM LAST NIGHT WITH THE PILL
Andy, Sorry you have the wrong number. But good luck with Becky!
He was literally going down on me and giving me a foot rub AT THE SAME TIME. What more can I ask for?
Just got cockblocked by my GF's wedding shower... That's a first. And I have to buy a gift.
How about to stay friends we only have sex on our birthdays. Maybe national holidays too. And days we get really drunk. Wanna get really drunk?
Not only did she fulfill a life long dream of mine of banging in a library, she bought me subway for lunch. I feel like I got the best gold star ever today.
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