I'm in a cab, in a strange city, and my driver looks like he's going to eat me. My facebook password is **** I want you to have the one thing I hold dearest to my heart.
When my girlfriend drinks sangria it's like winning the vagina lottery
There could not be a more unattractive person. She just told me her period was so bad that she got sick. I think my penis retracted and killed himself
Aside from the fact that there's a penis in my mouth, that's a pretty good picture of me
I'm drunk on a monday night. Not a good start to finals week
THE MIME IS MIMING TO BUST A MOVE KARAOKE. ALL MIME-RELATED EVENTS DESERVE CAPS LOCK
could you clean the juice and feathers off my bed I'm just not up for hangover cleaning.
i don't think they understood the house was collapsing. they kept dancing and jumping and asking for more cups.
Sorry, not ignoring you.. We broke open the other piñata left from cinco de mayo and it was filled with condoms, mini booze bottles, and those little party horn things you blow into. You'll forgive me when we're fucking for days with all these free condoms.
Look, the fact that I didn't kick him out and rip your clothes off speaks very highly of me.
The hot tub didn't work. But it's okay because we discovered just how many people you can fit in a bathtub.
Black out Jordan is making huge strides. I didn't even pee on anyone or anything last night.
Hey, it's all about finding the bright side. And boobs are definitely a bright side.
Dude did you see that video of yourself crying while bathing in vodka on YouTube?
What were you even doing out there at 2 a.m.?
Look, i had a gallon of lemonade, a pack of smokes and a Darth Vader voice changer. What did you EXPECT me to do?
Randomize
