and everytime i fart i feel like in your heart, you can hear it
i just woke up naked on my porch, holding the neighbors cat in my arms.
She was really sick last night--but i was too drunk to bring her chicken noodle soup after the bar, so went by taco bell and got her a chicken burrito instead
I mean this holiday was built on cheap beer, shitty whisky, and processed meat... and I fully plan to honor that
Totally just grabbed the wrong dick. Damn this tequila.
yeah, it's no longer just 'day drinking' when it's 5pm and you're knocking over fruit displays at fresh market
just got carried INTO the bar by 4 people. it's like watching my weekend in reverse.
Cause i'm hanging over the toilet bowl and thinking about your ball in my mouth is not helping
She just came home holding a fire hydrant. Yes a fire hydrant.
So apparently blacked out me judges a man based on what type of dinosaur he would be...
Well you finally jumped into that tree you've always wanted into and some girl gave you an 8.5. You were very happy.
I'm dressed as a caveman and drunk so that's not really an option
Isis wins if we don't have the loudest, kinkiest sex in every part of my house tomorrow
How was your night?
I spent a lot of money and drank a lot of booze. Also was part of a successful search party
He said my vagina smelled like pomegranates. Its like my vagina is the fountain of youth.
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