We are surrounded by old people. Heavens waiting room for sure.
I smelled like jager and penis. The only cure was a pack of camels and plan b.
I'm driving in the middle of nowhere, and I just saw a stuffed Barney hanging from a noose on a tree. Maybe I should turn around.
I wish we never smoked. I'm literally laying in bed opening and closing my eyes, just hoping a hot dog stand will appear in the room.
for me the strap perfect is like a chastity belt
No. No, there is no forgiveness for this. The only way I'm forgiving you for this is if you somehow convince your sister to have sex with me. In her car.
I'm going to tattoo a maze on my back for the next fucker that tries to blow early ....
I'm sorry that I ate boneless ribs off of your sister, but that is no reason to drink my alcohol.
My roommates just built a mini golf course upstairs while I was sleeping.
We had to go to his parents last night for dinner & ended up having a quickie in the bathroom while everyone else was outside smoking.. This is why we have a successful marriage.
She once gave me sex advice over the phone while intoxicated. So no you don't have the cooler therapist.
You have not lived until you've puked on your sequined UGGs in the Rite Aid parking lot while going to buy emergency contraceptives.
Totally shot down my boss for sex today. Approaching this weekend with a clear conscience and an untouched vagina.
No it's like. I don't respect you. And I think you're a terrible person but. I still wanna bone it out.
I'm alone, 3 beers in, and cutting tshirts into belly tops.
Randomize
