So can I buy you a drink sometime?
Sure, but make it a double, I'm drinking for two these days.
At least you didnt end up topless in a Tina Turner wig singing cabaret tunes
were doing shots for every snowflake that hits the ground
No. one of us needs a degree and I am already the alcoholic friend. I can't do everything
Anytime you have a hot, flirty, married woman that wants to ride you like a horse and slap your ass, you've got to do it.
Yeah, but four times?
Some guy just delivered flowers to my roommate cause he fell off a roof onto her at a party last night. I think they have a date tomorrow.
On a side note I think I burnt my eyebrow when we "teter-totered" into the fire
i should teach a seminar on how to fall off the wagon
Me and my vagina aren't speaking at the moment.
Well at least you learned that cops don't like when you call them frenchy. Nice dive over the fence by the way.
Speaking of church, everyone showed up to lunch in the dining hall in their Sunday best and I walk in looking homeless bc I just got out of bed. I hate this school.
You know you've been having sex for 9 months when you do Rock Paper Scissors for who has to go on top
Just in case you forgot, you puked all over your boss house, pissed on his coffee table, and were then thrown out by his wife
Dear in laws. I am not spending any holidays with you. I dislike your company. A lot.
Bro, I live in a constant state of existential dread and moderate ennui. The prospect of cosmic horror doesn’t faze me that much.
Randomize
