I can already tell this is gonna be one of those parties where we sit across the room and text about people.
I just followed up on a noise complaint...only to find 2 girls in bikinis covered in jello with beer cans everywhere. I couldn't bring myself to bust that party.
I want to be a cop.
She has an incinerator in her basement. Have you ever incinerated used condoms?
Lmao what?
It's a yes or no question.
Yea...but the guy who is beating me has a ponytail. So actually, I'm the winner here.
I woke up covered in blue paint and my knee bleeding, when I went to return the shopping cart the guy in the elevator laughed hysterically. I'm having a good morning.
Just had a stripper snatch my glasses off my face with her ass
I walked down to the adult beverage store and got two bottles of jim beam and s shooter of crwon black label because we didn't have any Tylenol
Fuck that must be a crazy sunburn.
Do you know what's great about Canada?..... There will always be a Tim Hortons on my walk of shame route
Standing in a circle of girls fistpumping to the word "hospital" while taking shots.... I don't see this ending well, but its fucking fun.
Where would I incorporate "your boyfriend fucked the shit out of me last night" before or after Merry Christmas bitch?
i figure if i show enough tits, no one will notice my eyebrows.
I pretty much told him I was too sober for this an just walked away and all I heard was "IT'S BECAUSE IM A BAD KISSER ISN'T IT" OVER AND OVER AGAIN
Found out my grandpa had two wives and found out I'm eligible for some internships 11/10 would do acid again.
THERE IS A BABY THAT ISN'T MINE THAT'S GOING TO HEAR ME BEING SEXED!
My boob job is like a master key that gets me in any door, any party and anyone’s pants! They’re magical!
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