I cant find my shoes, my wallet, or my keys, but i know where your sister is.
i make out with random ppl when i drink he shouldnt feel special
just convinced someone I was a virgin. I love when people don't know me.
i dont feel like going...you don't know how much work goes into getting my whore on
My TA just asked me why I was late to class. How do I say because I was having the best orgasm of my life in Arabic?
thats what you get for writing a paper after liquor pitchers
its only a rough draft.
NC is no longer selling 190 proof Everclear. We are officially no longer the greatest state.
I'm not sure which one did it but one of them fucked the kink out of my neck
I drove 5 hours to see her. She thanked me by getting shitfaced, inviting her boyfriend over, and making me sleep on the couch after I cooked for them and did the dishes. You're right. I'm a fucking doormat.
Theres a midget tsa agent. Just an observation
If it makes you feel any better... I have a friend who found out her mom was in the video for 2 Live Crew's "Pop That Pussy"
Straight up asked lady in a lime green jumpsuit how to make your ass clap. That thing wiggled more beautifully than ocean waves at sunset
There is a high possibility I will pass out with my hand in a bag of Doritos
The three of us were sitting silently in my dining room at 4:30 am, half drunk, eating cold spaghetti and listining to death metal. I need a fucking cigarette.
Rum and your dick are involved. You're relying on the unreliable narrator.
Randomize