Do you think Capital One would let me put the Tub Girl picture on my Capital One card?
Beat you to it.
Im at a strip club, and the dancer just farted into my face. The bad part about that is I could taste the wings I bought her earlier
he proceeded to punch 3 mailboxes in a row and when i asked him why, he said "because they were talking shit"... i need a new boyfriend. and a new life.
VITAMINS IN VODKA. IM NOT LYING.
Guy having heart attack in McDonalds. Classic.
I want a picture of impoverished children wearing Oregon national champions shirts.
Yes, I feel sorry for the tribe that gets those. They won't be able to hide from the lions.
Will you please bring me a line of coke at work without asking questions?
they paper machayed me.
i told you ... never pass out drinking with preschool teachers.
We had to leave after he was in the middle of the street yelling "Balls of Steeeeeeeeel!!"
We woke up in the room with a hamburger patty on the bed side table, one bun across the room, and the other bun under my pillow. Still don't know who ordered room service.
I managed to get through my meeting without throwing up in someone else's office, so there's that for an accomplishment today.
Autocorrect changes "sex" to "sec". I have been so long without it my phone thinks I made a mistake.
I text the word "masturbation" so much, all it only takes my iPhone to auto-spell it is for me to type "mas".
That's nice of you to be concerned, but I'm pretty confident I'll marry someone 30 years older than me, ride out being the trophy wife for 10 or 15 years, then live large!
Alex thinks he can revoke my dick privileges haha.
Isn't he the one getting all the privileges ?
Randomize