My secretary told me she wishes she can have an affair with someone in the office (she's separated from her cheating husband)...Umm...Okaaay
In these economic times, linking arms taking tequilla shots with your boss as an underage girl is the best job security I can think of
wait a second... your telling me you want me to take you to the bank at 10 on a tuesday so you can buy a blow up pool and fill it with beer?
yes... and buy you lunch
you walked into the kitchen holding the skyy bottle and asked us "how do i warm this?"
APPARENTLY giving your friend one of your shoes so that you avoid the no shoes no service rule makes you drunk...
she gave me one of those friendship bracelets and said as long as I wore it it was like an all-access pass to her vagina
You put Smirnoff in your grape juice and called it communion...
No. I just want to cuddle and talk about our feeling. Of course this a booty call.
I'm at the hospital waiting for my sister to push out her kid. I think I'll roam the halls and shame all the teenage mothers.
I've found a new low. I was climb-on-the-bar-piano drunk.
I'm suffering a hangover from deep within. I feel like the half of the parts of my body are permanently laced with alcoholic substances
I never thought I would have to put a band-aid on my penis.
Hypothetically speaking how does one remove a lamp that they hypothetically superglued to the ceiling?
Acetone nail polish remover, and you lied about studying last night didn't you?
Oh definitely.
Who put my cat in the fridge?
so i put my jacket on last night that you wore last weekend, and reach inside the pockets and find them full of goldfish...
the snack that smiles back:)
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