conclusion of the day: americans need to get on tredmills, people need to learn how to flush toliets and learn how to pee in then instead of on them, and waiters shouldnt tell their life stories to customers.
My professor is talking about sperm and all I can think about is my mouth
Oh my god. Just had sex with this girl on the boardroom table at my work at midnight (win!) just realized I left the condom wrapper on the table (lose!)
anyone who says 'i love you' and then followed by 'im going to call the cops if you touch me' doesnt really mean the first part fyi
Right now im sitting at home and all i can think about is im eating calories and i should be out drinking them.
The night started going down hill when she shot the cashier in the face with the confetti gun we bought at 711.
Just picture a bunch of Abraham Lincolns having an orgy.
some people spend their whole lives trying to find their soulmate. who knew mine was hiding in utah successfully balancing a pageant career and a coke habit.
Like theyre better than no shoes. I'm sitting her balls naked playing xbox in nothing but crocs with the fur
Would you judge me if I made John grow a bush while he is in Cancun so he doesn't cheat on me?
Yo, how much weed can I get for a caf swipe?
You were taking in your sleep. You were like Jess that's that animal we were talking about and you Hugged her feet
Getting drunk at 9 am is not a super power.
The clothing optional portion of the night began around midnight. Then we did disgusting things to each other. It was beautiful.
Found your bra
Where?
Hanging in the tree
Randomize
