On the bright side I got 500 American Express points paying for the abortion
I watched her choke out a bouncer with the broken strap from her purse, I think shes the one.
You kept me hostage in your driveway until you got your point across that alaska has warm weather
we can be functional adults and still think pizza lunchables are the shit
We had sex in the bathroom. Good sex. Toilet breaking sex.
Nothing motivates a person to clean their apartment like puking up cheese ravioli beer-tequila chicken wings for eight hours.
Wake up we need to beat the walk of shame rush hour
After the keg stand you collapsed, hit your head on the floor, started seizing and after 20 seconds got back up and said "hah, I remember my first beer"
I have an epic ass bruise from a wheel tonight and I am drunk now because I decided vodka heals all wounds.
If you enjoy dance recitals as much as I do, that's one shitty Father's Day...
Your drunk naked friend is roaming the living room. Started roaming my room. Please come retrieve him
I found a new button on my vibrator, tonight was a success
Soo are you just gonna poop in my bathtub and not talk to me anymore...?
His junk had piercings everywhere. The dick and balls. It was a fucking pirate penis.
you tried to strip tease your way into canada but got arrested instead. don't worry, your mom doesn't know.
Randomize
