I just found out you can file for divorce online. I love America.
Thanks for the birthday present, i had so much fun playing with it
Are you talking about my vagina?
Call 911 I'm faking my own death so this fat chick leaves my room
For your information i will be shotgunning whiskey on may 21st.
this may be my drink champagne alone in a bbaby pool in the dark night
I just heard "I just let you finger me on Megabus, I clearly don't have standards".
doing shots of $6 a bottle whiskey and chasing it with milk. my own personal way of saying fuck life.
I guess I made wings because there's chicken everywhere. Even on the walls. 3 of them. It's like a chicken grave yard.
I smell like icyhot and vodka... Heres to my pulled tendon.
I'd cum for enchiladas.
We should just do therapy together, clearly we have all the same issues. It's why we are friends.
Just calling to thank you for not dying. I love you.
the hot lifeguard just pulled a McDonald's cheeseburger out of her fanny pack.
I remember walking into a bathroom stall that had a couple fucking in it and giving them a condom and a thumbs up and then leaving
When I woke up I was spooning with a block of cheese. Like, cuddling. Me and the cheese we nestling...
Randomize
