I was just walking through Burbank and saw a hobo using solar panels on his shopping cart. We must be in trouble if the hobos are researching alternative sources of fuel...
My girlfriend was pissed, so if I had to guess, i'd say I had a GREAT time last night
Should I tell her she gave me head in the kitchen while I was eating a cupcake or would that hurt her dignity too much?
He chipped a tooth on the first beer. You know the night is just going to be a slushy mess after that.
I just commented on the education level of his penis.
I IMAGINED YOU YELLING SURPRISE WITH JAZZ HANDS. AND I LOVE YOU FOREVER
The waitress asked if you wanted white or brown, and you said "Isn't it all the same color when it's toasted?". She stared at you for about 20 seconds before she decided that you weren't fucking with her.
I told the DJ last night to play Third Eye Blind before 1:45 and just pointed at him as I walked away. He didn't do it and at 1:45 I just walked out pointing at him, without my friends
Maybe if he'd step up his game and get a real job instead of donating plasma and trying to grow pot then you wouldn't feel compelled to write prisoners in Oregon.
Please tell me you're not home alone watching Glitter.
Can you see in?
Have fun in Vegas! Be safe, use condoms, and take a pic of Jon beforehand to give out when he goes missing. It will help the police.
Could you just like have a friend who feels bad for me and secretly always wanted to have sex with me
Crying into a glass of wine at 10 am isn't exactly how I planned this day to go
Mmm vodka always tastes better when i know i have work at 8am
So we'll go out later for condoms and cake batter... aka grocery shopping for champions.
Randomize
