I just had sex in the back of an ambulance. Call me.
we were all standing in the kitchen taking shots and we look over at you and your face is in the plate of spaghetti you were eating.
I told him he didn't want "flip-flop extraction" on his medical history.
I came home ate all of my roomates poptarts and then vommited on her duvet cover. I don't think today is the day to suggest the whole "sex instead of rent money" idea
could you please not use my mortar and pestal for its intended purpose? i just snorted cracked black pepper.
How do I explain the handcuffs and tanning goggles on our living room floor? There's rope too. The cats love the rope.
I swear the crows are laughing at me.
You my friend are stoned into submission
It's been so long that I've occasionally forgotten I own a vagina
I'm high and I have a consensual booty call on the way and just thought that it was a good time to let you know that I think that you are a stellar person.
I currently need breakfast in bed, morning sex, and a bourbon and diet coke. Make this happen
We got banned from that Whataburger for life. WHATABURGER. Which is saying something. They deal with drunk dumbasses every night.
Tequila happens.
I don't understand why you're so excited, it's my vagina not yours.
Have you ever been up at one in the morning and thought to yourself, "I do not know nearly enough about penguin reproduction"?
I just used a gift card from my in-laws to buy their daughter a vibrator. What even are morals?
Kid walks in and orders 24 Mcdoubles and 14 large fries, as he's handing me the money he tells me he lost at rock paper scissors so he had to do the munchie run.
Randomize
