Dude. I just woke up without a shirt or bra on. Apparently I fell asleep with a quesadilla in my mouth. I can feel my liver hating me.
They should really pass out barf bags in church
I'm outside your house...sorry I feel like I don't need formal invites anymore.
She used to be a real nice person. Now she's just a dick sucking machine
Im fairly sure two chicks roofied me last night. Suckers. I love free drugs.
Slutty summer 2013 has officially started. I did accidentally bite a dick though.
So I'm not dead, but close call. I think I can handle one more bar.
My alarm went off and I went straight for your dick. That's dedication.
Fuckin' raining men in my bedroom while I'm trying to drunk eat a rather large portion of pasta. Like shoo I already picked who I'm sleeping with. Pasta wins.
You screamed "i promise ill stop blowing your brother" in the middle of a packed restaurant at 1pm. We should maybe rethink our relationship.
They wouldn't let me on the bull because I couldn't even sign my own name... She let me try 3 times...
You poured 151 in your eye, ran face first into a tree, fell down, then threw a lawn chair at the dog...all before passing out in the hallway and pissing yourself. There is no way to redeem yourself.
I finished my first whiskey and I'm waiting to have a second one in celebration when your pregnancy test comes back negative
What did you give up for lent?
Diet and excersize. And I'm never going back...
My roommate's overnight guest is screaming about the dog licking his asshole. I need a new place to live.
Randomize
