i'm pretty confident that i watched a woman making love to a german shepherd.
waiting in line for my ID. the kid in front of me reaks of hopes and dreams and hornyness-- freshmen by calvin klein
This is so fucking sad. Netherlands isn't even a real country.
Drinking wine out of an empty soup can and watching spongebob squarepants.. I eveb hate myself
Funny how often beer equates to second degree burns on some portion of my body.
I need to get my pants from under your porch. People are asking questions.
Just had an old man tip me two dollars and say "here put this in your baby fund, you'll have a baby someday" I swear this is gods way of saying GET ON BIRTH CONTROL NOW!
Kinda sad when you get home on a Sunday morning and the paper guy HAND DELIVERS the newspaper to you...,
I've figured out why I love winter sex. Because I make them leave the beanie on, and we all know I love a man in a beanie.
Nothing says besties like laying naked in bed hungover arguing over who is getting the pants
I lost my vibrator temporarily and for some unknown reason my first thought was that you might have stolen it. But then I realized you would never do that because you know it keeps me from killing people. But I am overtired and lacking in faith.
Listen, I've got balls in my face can I call you back
I woke up with sticky red stuff all over my sheets, face, and chest. Apparently after I blacked out I thought eating ribs in bed was a good idea
He told me he loved me and I told him I shit myself
My vibrator turned on under my pillow when I was taking a nap this morning... I nearly shit my pants.
Randomize
