I either date the nice guys or the assholes. There isn't any in between.
You need to find a taint.
Just saw a half naked, drunk, 6th grade math teacher throwing small children around to the Titanic soundtrack.
What kind of wedding is this and why wasn't I invited
two words...techno handjob
I think, at this point, getting pissed and declaring my love via reality TV would be an improvement
You asked the waitress what the corking fee would be on the Joose you smuggled into the restaurant.
After the keg stand you collapsed, hit your head on the floor, started seizing and after 20 seconds got back up and said "hah, I remember my first beer"
I arrived home at 7am wearing nothing but my underwear and a fedora. I ate half a dozen deviled eggs. Put Katy Perry on repeat. And cried myself to sleep. We cannot go out on Thursday anymore
We can't shop at Hobby Lobby anymore. They don't like Plan B which basically runs through our veins.
I told you I missed you and you said you missed me as much as you miss a urinary tract infection. I get it. You're still mad.
SShout out to Barney the Dinosaur for teaching me how to sing the ABCs backward. I just scored a free pitcher.
I used to sleep with a guy on the USA rugby team... He stole my credit card and my Hitman DVD. I'm more upset about the Hitman DVD..
where are my pants?
in the oven.
The last thing I remember was them slipping shots into my beer bong, and me being happy about it
What do you mean you haven’t had the fantasy of getting anally penetrated by a tentacle monster?
Now all my porn is stored in my parents’ basement. It’s like a part of my soul is boxed up
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